British Pub Jokes

“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink.

As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

Clement Freud
The £20 Joke

Two lawyers walk into a pub. They order a couple of drinks and take their sandwiches out of their briefcases and them they begin to eat them.

Seeing this, the angry publican exclaims, “Excuse me, but you can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The two lawyers look at each other, shrug their shoulders, then exchange sandwiches.

Bill Bailey
Pub joke

A Time Traveller walks into a bar.

The barman says, “We don’t serve Time Travellers in here.”

A man goes into a bar with his small pet newt called Tiny.

“A pint for me and a half for Tiny, please,” he says to the landlord.

The landlord asks, “Why do you name him Tiny?”

The man replies, “Because he’s my newt.”

Bill Bailey
Two Men in a Pub – Cosmic Jam

A man says to his wife, “Grab your jacket I’m going to the pub.”

She asks, “Oh, are you taking me with you?”

“No, I’m turning the heating off.”

Comic Sans, Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a pub. The landlord yells, “Get out! We don’t serve your type in here!”

Micky Flanagan
Women drinking

I used to work in a pub next to a hospital and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins.

I asked him how I could help and bizarrely he said, “Can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila.

It’s a free country so I start to pour the drinks and put them on the bar one at a time. As I finished pouring all of the drinks he downed them in order and finished on the shots of tequila which he dispatched one at a time in a quick pace.

He then looked at me really sad and said, “I shouldn’t have drunk all that with what I’ve got.” I said, “Why what have you got?” He said, “About £3.50.”

Bill Bailey
Pixie Pub

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the barman, “Has my brother been in for a drink here today?”

The barman looks at the penguin and says, “I’m not sure. What does he look like?”

I was in the pub when a guy called me a cheapskate. So I threw his drink in his face.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Give me a cider and a mop, please.”

A polar bear walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer. The barman says, “£17, please.”

The polar bear pays and takes a seat.

Bemused, the barman approaches and says, “This is exciting, we don’t get many polar bears in here!” To which the polar bear replies, “I’m not surprised with beer at £17 a pint.”

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To this, the man responds at the top of his voice, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”

Two German agents walk into the pub in London during WW2 and one of them said to the waiter, “Two martinis, please.”

The barman asked, “Dry?”

To which the customer replied, “Nein! Zwei!”

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

Not saying my local pub is rough…but the first prize at the pub quiz was two weeks alibi.

I went to a pub and asked the barman for the wifi password. He said, “youhavetobuyabeerfirst.”

So I bought a beer and asked again for the password. He gave me the same answer.

People say my pub jokes are rubbish but back when I was serving drinks at the local pub, I could give a decent comedian a rum for his money.

The pub is ten minutes from my house. However, my house is two hours from the pub.

The worst pub I’ve ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile Inn.

A 50-year-old billionaire walks into a pub with his 25-year-old girlfriend.

His buddy asked him how he managed to get a girl half his age. The billionaire replied, “I lied about my age.”

His friend asked, “You told her you where 40?”

No said the billionaire, “I told her I was 90.”

Asleep on the lawn

After a heavy night at the pub, I was rudely awakened by my neighbour cutting his grass. Sod it I thought, he can mow around me.

A penguin goes into a pub.

At the bar, the peanuts say, “Nice tie Mr!”

In the toilets, the condom machine says, “You look stupid in that tie.”

So he complains to the barman. The barman says, “The peanuts are complimentary but the condom machine is out of order.”

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub just to ask me what time it is.

When it’s sunny I think, “Beer garden.”

When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.

When it’s snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.

I’m starting to think I have a problem with the weather.

Tommy’s Ticklers

And there’s more jokes!